It’s been a while, sorry about that, I’ve been extremely focused on work which has been going quite well! Anyways, on with the tragedy..
I started cutting more often, always on my thighs at first, but then I moved to y wrists. I always went across the river, never up it, as I did not truly want to die, it was just my way of moving through the pain and loneliness I felt then. I still went to school, however my only friends were my cousin and Anton.
I remember my cousins birthday vividly. I had come home from somewhere.. I don’t remember where, but I was upset, and instantly went upstairs to my room so I could cut. I had never sharpened the knife before doing it, but this time I did, and boy did I cut deep. I cut so deep, I scared the shit out of myself, and I screamed for Lexi. She came running upstairs, and she took care of me, got me all bandaged up. I think to this day she still is upset with me for doing it on her birthday.
My cousin on her birthday, since I ruined it so much
About a month later, I had stopped cutting, but I still felt extremely depressed and was constantly thinking about killing myself in other ways. I went into my counsellors office one morning, and just blurted out that I wanted to kill myself. Hoo boy did that get their attention.
It was like I was put in quarantine! I was sat in a room, asked a bunch of questions from a bunch of different people, until finally they took me to the hospital where I was forced into a room with. Psychologist who figured I was just looking for attention. I was picked up from the hospital by my aunt and uncle, and we didn’t really speak about the day. However my aunt was extremely upset; not because I was feeling like this, but because I told other people and she was worried what they would think of her if she couldn’t make me a happier kid.
And how do you feel about that?
It wasn’t her, it wasn’t really anyone’s fault. Shit happens and you get depressed, can’t really do much about it but try and get through it and move on. I cut maybe a couple times after that day, but very few and far between and extremely shallow.. More like scraped myself haha. Even now, when I’m at my darkest I haven’t done anything to hurt myself. Except maybe punch a pillow, but who hasn’t?
School ended, and summer came, which is when things started to get better, specifically starting on the night I tried ‘E’ for the second time…
A Lesser Person 